PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
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me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Lmfaoooooo
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
The Weeknd is back
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down