I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you