museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
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Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Planet of the Apps.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Pass gas, not judgment.