My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
You Might Also Like
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
superman landing like a plane on his belly
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk