Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
23. the denim jacket
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk