Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?