THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Human are so complicated
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.