Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
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Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.