Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
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I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.