Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
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If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again