Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
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Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
My new favorite headline
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
this article brought to you by lions
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know