I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
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started wrapping my pills in cheese
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
lol
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement