when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.