A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.