You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
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just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.