I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.