I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
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No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*updates tinder bio*
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t