*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
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Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
what
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena