Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
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You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?