“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?