All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
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I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I found your tweet-up…
I have never related to anyone more.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok