My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
You Might Also Like
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.