I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
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Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.