It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
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‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.