little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
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All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread