My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
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“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.