Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
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*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
The answer is funnier than the question
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies