Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
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Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
HELP 😭
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
my mind
You just read my mind
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.