I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
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The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”