Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
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When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Catering service
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Respect
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa