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My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.