My safe word is now just a dry cough.
You Might Also Like
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
It was worth a shot 😂
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.