You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
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Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Friends that check up on you >
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.