“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
You Might Also Like
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
buying dead houseplants to save time
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog