[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
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When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Milk Cube
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
When you can’t find your friend Neil
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon