There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
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So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM