The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
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Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Catering service
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis