My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
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a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
What the dentist sees
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!