5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
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Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Well, this explains it:
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees