I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
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ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“OMGJK” -atheists
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Möther may I have a snäck
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…