Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
You Might Also Like
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate