“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
No, he would not have.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.