Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
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*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!