“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
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I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I can’t be the only one 😂
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.