At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
some Old Testament wisdom
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
smartest karate player in the world
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.