i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
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Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*