A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
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Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Every damn time
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.