I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
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Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I can’t stop watching this.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
this article brought to you by lions
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.