The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
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*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now