Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
i actually laughed 😩
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*